Teachers' Jokes

Teacher Joke 1

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


Teacher Joke 2
science test question

The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.

Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again.

But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.



Teacher Joke 3

Ahmad: I spent eight hours over my new spelling book last night.
Teacher: It's wonderful that you spent so much time study
Ahmad: Who said anything about studying? My spelling book was under my bed when I went to sleep!

Teacher Joke 4
Teacher: Melody, spell mouse.
Melody: M-O-U-S.
Teacher: But what's at the end of it?
Melody: A tail.

Teacher Joke 5
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.
1. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

2. Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.


3. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

5. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.


6. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

7. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Teacher Joke 6
School Answering Machine

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do their work Press 2
To complain about what we do Press 3
To cuss out staff members Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your letter mailed to you Press 5
If you want us to raise your child Press 6
If you want to reach out and grab someone Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year Press 8
To complain about homework Press 9
To complain about school canteen Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren) lack of effort. Hang up and have a nice day!!!


Teacher Joke 7:
No wonder English is so hard to learn:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt


Teacher Joke 8
The Evolution of Teaching

1960s
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is the profit?

1970s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price i.e. $8. What is the profit?

1980s (new math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element ofM is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements ofM. The setC of production costs is composed of 2 big dots less than the setM. RepresentC as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits?

1990s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.

2000s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are 0.80 of his revenue. On your calculator graph revenue versus costs. Run the "POTATO" program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics


Teacher Joke 9
And we wonder why Teachers get headaches?

Teacher: Cyril, go to the map and find North America.
Cyril: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Cyril!

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.


Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Ismaul: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Ismail: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Imran: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Imran: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.


Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Teacher Joke 10

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the Malaysian school system."
And the Lord sat down and cried with him.